Can anyone tell me about their experience of being bullied at work and what they did to overcome it or the best way to deal with it?

it very much depends on who the person is. give us more info without disclosing too much of coursebe clear and illustrative

There will be many ideas and sarcastic comments on your query but the honest answer depends on your situation and nothing else.1. If you are desperate to hang on to your job then you need to think twice before going with a formal complaint. In this case, you need to work with your contacts and get an idea of how best to address it so it will NEVER happen again. Play your top hand saying if it ever happens again you will make a lot of noise2. If this job is not your last lifeline then do not put up with it. No matter how small or big a company, there is never smoke without a fire so be loud and let those in charge aware of what has happened. Great if you have some evidence or backup but if not then just make noise. You may be marked as a trouble maker but you end up happy and content with yourself. You may also end being on the street but do you care?3. IF this is your close buddy or a person who has a good reputation or a great manager etc who has done it the first time then buck up and speak out privately and let the person know it was not right and it cant continue.I'd personally not stand up for any bullying. Sad and unfair as it seems, this happens everyday and gets repeated for those whose you keep quiet. Just like in school, bullies know who to pick on cos they are always suckers waiting to get screwed over and over. If a bully knows you too are a bully and made of the same stuff then they dont return for fear of being caught out.You need to assess the situation and make a call. Jobs may come and go but your life and integrity you have only once so dont part with it at any cost :-)The knowledge session stops now and I hope you sort things out.....This time, its the original....Aces

Thank you Aces.. I agree with the point you make that a bully picks on someone who they feel is in a weaker position than them. I was bullied while I was working towards my Postgrad qualification; I have left that place now. I was bullied for a good part of 3 years by another more senior (non manager) colleague. My supervisor never liked getting involved and hoped that things would sort themselves out. He eventually had a meeting with her where he told her to leave me alone-she did for a while and then started picking on me again-intimidating me, finding any opportunity to snap at me about something, bad mouthing me to other colleagues. My only way of dealing with it was to ignore her although it chipped away at my confidence. She eventually got into trouble when one day she pushed me-HR stepped in and she got an official warning, she never bothered me again. I tolerated it because I had invested so much time into getting my postgrad degree and it would have looked bad on my CV to have quit-besides why should I let her ruin my career. So my Q is, how does one deal with a bully, I reckon she bullied me because she thought she could get away with it, I certainly don’t want to go through this again!

Flower,Dont let anyone bully you. EVER ! ! Make an official complaint and make your manager leave the job. Believe me it works ! ! And make a noise infront of all the collegues. If someone tries to bully you, stop him/her and ask for justifications THEN AND THERE ITSELF ! ! ! ! Creat such a fuss infront of everybody then the manager dont knwo how to react ! ! Take help from unions if need be.Mostly people who are insecure themselves, try to hide their insecurities and play the aggressor/bully role. Find out that insecurities/low esteem issues with the bully and you can bully them too . Give them a taste of their own medicine.Remember, you work for the firm/company and not for any one person. Perform on your KPIs and no one can sack you for standing up for bully issues.Hope it helps.

Do exactly what you did this time again, and trust me, you will get by just fine....u did well and I hope you continue doing well always..The community has no place for bullies, no matter what other 'anonymous' users and imposters say otherwise.....stick up for yourself and believe in your abilities always....and that will carry you a long distance for a good time forward.....all the best mate!!!Aces

Usually bullies would have pissed off many people. Find those people and make a 'common interest' group and isolate him/her.Remember majority works better than individual opinions and especially when you dont have much evidence against bullying, anecdotes from bullied victim can work in your favour when teh jedgement day comes (i.e, when your manager gets sacked).

I trust no one would make sarcastic comments on this issue. Aces, Mr Nice - great to see some positive posts on this!Flower are you in a situation where you are being bullied currently? As your posts suggest it doesn't have to be physical behaviour which can count as bullying. The best way to deal with it is to know both your employment rights and the law which supports it in respect of bullying behaviour - Prevention of Harrassment, Prevention of Malicious Communications etc, and remember also that under Health & Safety your employer has a responsibility to ensure that your working environment is not more stressful than it absolutely needs to be: failiure to prevent, or intervene quickly, in cases of bullying would be an infraction of H&S rules.

bullying at work can only take place in the artificial power framework that exists there.. (and people I've seen exhibiting bully like behaviour at work have looked like they were probably victims of physical bullying at school and are working that issue out on others..). Get the perpetrator outside the work context and without any colleagues around and have a very direct and robust, no witnesses conversation in which you assert yourself, remind them that there is a whole work outside work in which they are not king, and tell them to pack it in.

Geeza while I agree with your post unfortunately that approach simply won't work. Speaking as someone who has been through it - and still gets attempts to subject me to it - I can offer something of an insight.Let me add a little context to why I dont agree with you though. You have no idea what I look like. If you saw me in the street or a bar you would not think I encounter too many people with the physical nerve to try bullying on me. But confronting those reponsible outside the work environment would be both pointless and potentially could be construed otherwise and lead to further problems, even legal proceedings. Most workplace bullying is more subtle - physical assault is less common than attempts to humiliate, undermine, cause distress, and undue stress. Most bullies think this is a fine line which they can draw short of actual assault. In reality it is no different, but needs evidence to support any claim.The solution is to know the law and apply it.Make a note of each incident, when and where it happened and what happened. Save every email which may contribute to your case, strore them in a personal email account which your employer has no access to. If something has happened off line and you have the opportunity, caputure it on line - email the offender and make reference to x behaviour being unacceptable. If they respond then they will tacitly or actually admit the matter. If not they are still admitting it by not denying it. Build your case in evidence. Bring the matter to the attention of the most senior person in your department and/or HR in writing and state that this will not be tolerated. If necessary familiarise them with the potential legal comebacks - not only breach of employment law, and of contract (dont forget the implicit covenants of fair treatment and fairness in all UK employment contracts). H&S. And the big guns - Harrassment Act and Malicious Communications. These arent employment matters, they could wind up in a criminal court with all that entails for the individual and the company. Remember that as soon as your employer becomes aware of it they MUST act by law. the final resort would be to leave under constructive dismissal and make a claim against the employer for failing to act in the matter. Remember that you must instigate a grievance procedure internally first, even if, as in my own case, the employer refuses to even countenance the idea, and in fact uses that as reason to up the level of abusive behaviour.

you're right of course Mars. I guess what I was trying to say is that some kinds of workplace bullying (typically abuse of relative positions of authority) only work because there's a set of conventions and protocols that prevent people feeling able to push back - sometimes stepping outside that framework can shake the bully out of their behaviour. Recogniase that's not always an option of course - I've also seen an unremedied situation where the victim's boss was actively preventing them complaining further because they were trying to manage the politics around the senior internal client who was the problem (and in that case the victim was a strapping young man with a second dan in shotokan..).

Geeza in that instance I still think law trumps. But I do take your point. The remedy would be to go above their head though. If the manager in question was not prepared to be part of the resolution, and actually impeded a complaint, s/he is actually culpable in the bullying.

Flower,You have received advice from various parties above with varying approaches.As Aces pointed, the key is to understand the situation.Dealing with bullying can be very tricky and it is paramount you have a good read of who the person(s) are (position, influence, how honest he/she is, his/her integrity) in order to implement the appropriate response.Direct agression is out of the question as Mars a day pointed. An eye for eye does not work with bully; all you will do is fuel the fire; do not corner them and/or threaten them with likely repercussions or physical threats - and if anything, it would be morally incorrect if indeed you disagree with bullying.At the extreme of the spectrum, you have the LAW as per Mars' advice. I would encourage you use this as a final resort. Bullying isn't necessarily malicious and it can be often sorted out via a good honest conversation.If you feel you can have a "good" conversation with the person (e.g. if you believe he/she will respond to it and consider your feelings) then talk to the person, remove the emotion from your speech (do not get angry/ do not become aggressive), do, however emphasise how it makes you feel.Use sentences such as, when you do this, I feel...Bringing people into your world is often the best way of making them understand what it is like to be in your shoes.Also from a career view point, you will display leadership (it may not be as visible to everyone but certainly it will be visible to the person you are speaking to)Remember also that going through the formal route can sometime backfire. The person in question can have a lot of influence and you do not want to potentially affect your career without first using a more passive aggressive avenue.Good luck

Ernest I think you are obscuring two separate and distinct matters: behaviour which someone finds inappropriate, distasteful, unpleasant, is not necessarily bullying. You can of course have scenarios where it is simply a matter of personal style or communication, which can often be resolved simply by having an off piste chat with that person and resolving the issues.When that behaviour is intentional and done with deliberate malice that is bullying. I'm not referring to a single isolated incident. The law is not really the last resort, neither is tackling it through the appropriate channels in the organisation. One could argue convincingly that if an organisation is unwilling to take steps to stop the behaviour, would you really want to work there anyway? Bullying can have an immensely debilitating effect, and not just at work. As much as I think focusing on career and not wanting to 'rock the boat' too much has merit, people have an inalienable right to dignity in the workplace and a sense of self esteem.I agree with your advice to Flower that she (I'm assuming its a she with that moniker) should take a more passive aggressive approach. Very often the simple implied threat of further action can have the desired effect. But let's not for one moment place prospects at one company, which one would look to leave in due course for career reasons in any event, is more important or even as important, as being able to walk into work on a Monday without a sense of dread.I'm not disagreeing with what has been said here Flower - I would agree with Aces, Mr Nice and Ernest Young, I probably just have a more visceral attitude to bullying in the workplace.

Rant over. Have a nice day people :)

you. me. back of the bike sheds after work. come alone.

BYO condoms Flashman

Thank you everyone for your advice. I was only able to take action when she pushed me as I had ‘proper’ evidence against her. At that point, I no longer needed the support from my management and I went straight to HR-who took it VERY seriously. In this case, the bullying was malicious and systematic...and not a case of a personality clash. I thought that the best way to deal with it was to ignore it and not get involved in arguments at work as it would reflect badly on my character but that ended up making me appear ‘weak’ to her. Two things I have learnt from my experience:Never be passive about it-you appear weak. Argue back but use your choice of words wisely as you don’t want to say anything that can be used against you to HR.Never work for management that condone bullying.

And to be thick skinned-not get upset by it! My confidence took a severe knocking!

Glad to hear that it was all resolved successfully, Flower. Also pleased to see that people on this forum have given this mature and sensible answers and not resorted to sarcasm and glib flippancy.

Flower,Well done on taking action against your bully. Often victims of bullying are made to believe that they are cowardly for seeking action against it....when actually it takes a brave person to confront it.I wish you well for the future,Joe

For what its worth Flower I have been experiencing a resurgence of this over the last 6 Months, culminating in attempts to effectively demote me this morning. I have called for a meeting with my Directors to resolve the issue. Dramatically if I dont post here this afternon assume Ive been fired.

Mars, tell them that if you haven't posted here by 3pm, we're going to call the police...

Your bully might not even know he/she is being a bully.I have been accused of bullying, in retrospect I can completely understand why the complaint was made. I didn't hit anyone, I didn't shout at anyone but I was hypercritical of their work/pace.The charge came from a peer, not a subordinate and I was summoned to HR and my line manager. When they told me what had been said, I was mortified. The thought that I had made this woman go home crying at night made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I think the impact on me was obvious and I was given a stiff warning and told to mend my ways. I was sent on three or four courses and had to face my colleague in a restorative justice kind of setting with HR and an outside consultant mediating.The moral of this story is that whilst you may justifiably feel like you are being bullied, the bully may not realise the effect of their actions. If they are a mature professional who values their reputation, a word from HR will only 'up their game' IF however they're not? Well, that's their problem not yours.No-one needs to go home feeling any less than they are.Sorry for spellos and typos, this is the one subject I have typed from the heart.

Mars, When you post on this forum your advice shows a deep understanding of your target sectors, a fine appreciation of human behaviour and mature judgement. I cannot assess your sales capability, but assuming your are not a complete flop, I can only surmise from your other qualities that you are a very capable headhunter. I also recall that you set aside previous concerns over work due to an increasing importance in your life outside the office. Even taking this into account I feel compelled to scream at you ....TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!!You know what that means.Why would an eagle attempt to soar in pigshit? To prove it could?

Shoe, Cool, thanks for the reality check and support. So far the Directors have studiously avoided me at every turn, even on email asking for a meeting. Odd. Shoe - much appreciated post. There is a lesson to be learned for me from your experience.Mr Cool you are absolutely right as usual. I fully intend to deal with this situation permanently and finally - to weed out this tendency from the root, or leave for a new role.I'll update on this onhere but wont kidnap Flower's thread, which has been a very positive one.

Mars, Thats OK, you can hijack this thread...Im sorry to hear of your situation, having managment condoning this sort of bullying or being part of it is possibly the worst situation one can find themselves in. Think of taking your experience/knowledge and your contacts to a rival company. I know its difficult to just move jobs but dont work for a company that have such poor practices.I can tell you are someone who is fantastic at their job because of the time you invest in giving people genuine advice on their careers on this forum. I hope things sort out for you soon.

The root, unlike the curate's egg, cannot be bad in part. The root that nurtures you is the same that entraps you. Strike out. Be contained in how you achieve it, but decide now to strike out. Life will taste sweeter, I know.

Mars A Day walks up to Directors, talks about what's happening with particular assignment.For next 30+ mins Mars stands in silence while his work and personality are assassinated in the middle of an open plan office.Mars asks for meeting with Managing Director and goes for a breather. Meeting is this afternoon.Why why why am I tolerating this? Answers on a postcard to the nearest mental asylum please.

Mars why are you doing this to yourself mate?gittinjiggywitit@yahoo.comHonestly if you want some counsel or moral support, get in touch. I might also have some job ideas for you.

Mars, hope it turned out okay for you on Friday. As noted above, you're a credit to this forum. Please update us!

Drama turning into farce...despite my chasing for that meeting it has been avoided for 2 days running. It's almost laughable.I've said it before but it merits repeating - the support on here has been a huge help! Many thanks to everyone on this!

Well it's a sunny Wednesday and still no meeting as requested Thursday, Friday and Monday..

Mars,I have been a long time lurker and occasional contributor on this forum for some time and have frequently found your posts both insightful and engaging. While this forum is no substitute for real human contact, it would certainly appear that you are exactly the type of rounded, reasonable, experienced individual that most firms (mine included) are screaming out for.Why are you putting up with this nonsense? Pick up your sh*t, toss your phone out the window and move on. They just aren't worth the energy.Good luck.

Hi Mars,I’m glad things have quietened down at work. For a team of directors to pick on you says a lot about the company that you work for-I doubt the MD is any better as I always believe that a toxic work culture of a company comes from the top. My concern is that they may be biding their time and the MD is avoiding a meeting as you will have a case against them if you ever decide to make a complaint to HR or a tribunal. A meeting would mean that a complaint would be officially made and the MD would need to be showing that he is taking apropriate action against the people who are bullying you. Something he doesnt want to do, what a coward. He is being smart and protecting them. Say if the directors plot against you and have you sacked? All their stories would corroborate and it will be your word against theirs. No employee would back you up as they will not want to jeopardise their position in the company. That would look terrible on your CV and make it harder for you to find another job. It is better that you start preparing yourself to move on and look elsewhere for a job so you can leave on your own terms-before you get forced out or worse, get sacked. Again, Good luck Mars.

Never tolerate bullying. Do whatever it takes to stop it. I have learned it the hard way.

Flower it's a bit of an urban myth that a company or individuals in that company can conspire against you to get you sacked - it's much harder than it looks, as Ive been with the firm 5 years. I've been hanging on as the market didnt seem too strong, but there does seem to be more optimism in the rec industry currently. Certainly we have more business than we can handle. Although I have not had a reduction in my salary, over the last year I have had my client portfolio (all won by me and developed over years) placed with someone else and been pushed into other accounts in what is effectively a sort of demotion. Why am I tolerating this? Because I have been biding my time. They are key accounts, so the networks and domain knowledge they have allowed me to acquire has been a real benefit, but this is why I am pushing for a meeting with my Directors. It's a small firm, there is no HR anymore (hasnt been for years) so there is no intermediary to handle such matters. The only route is open confrontation with the Directors which will then either leave me looking at the tribunal route (for constructive or unfair dismissal depending on whether and how I am ejected from the company) or looking for a new role being watched like a hawk.In any event I am - once again - calling for a meeting with my Directors today. They have now dodged it for 5 days.

Five years at the same firm and it sounds like you’re not going to progress significantly (unless there is wholesale change in the director level)?Mars A Day – forget the current immediate situation – you should be looking at moving firm anyway!Seriously, there is a strong argument that the worst thing that you could do is sort of the problem. Why not start applying to some of the big boys (KF, H&S, EZ) etc?If you stay another five years, you'll have a really poor CV. 10 years at a small firm - hmmm?

Just a quick update. And a cautionary tale. After several years of compiling damning evidence in permanent record, enough to not only lead to a tribunal but also likely a criminal liability (according to the legal advice I've had), the relative whom I entrusted with retaining most of the evidence in the form of emails told me yesterday ... they deleted almost everything some months ago. I blame myself for entrusting such an important task (no matter how simple it is simply to not delete some forwarded emails) to someone who couldnt take it seriously enough.With little other option I am now looking at leaving without a job to go to, following what is effectively a demotion (although not a salary cut...yet). Small mistakes lead to big consequences.

Yeah - but they don't know that.

Ha ha Sneaky Bluffer it's true - they don't. But I can't bluff a tribunal.

No, but if you really are at the end of your tether, and you have a history of making justified formal complaints, then you could easily see the MD and suggest that to avoid any unpleasantness, they consider a clean break (and a compromise agreement) of a couple of months money in lieu of notice. It's tax free as well (as long as its not written into your contract).That would be the time to comment that you have of course been very careful in keeping detailed records of the attempts to undermine you over a five year period.A card to play when you know you are walkign anyway...

Sneaky Bluffer right now I want to buy you many many beers.

...and for good measure, you should tell the MD that if he doubts you, he should ask IT to review your outbox at server level, where he will see all the forwarded e-mails sent to an external address for safe keeping - some of them from your previous comments including swearing, verbal abuse and other unprofessional attacks on you from senior management of his own firm.One thing that not many people know is that if you DO go to a tribunal, you can request (without any help from a lawyer - a simple letter will do) that the tribunal order your employer to release evidence that you need for your case. That could for example include any e-mails between you and colleagues/management.Some years ago I took an employer to a tribunal for non-payment of final salary following my resignation. As the firm was going bust, I wanted to get a breakdown of the assets. The administrator (huge international high profile liquidator) understandably refused to release them as the liquidation was in process. I asked the tribunal to sequester the liquidation report that is normally only provided tot he Dept of Trade and Industry (as was), and for good measure requested the attendance in person at my hearing, of the head partner who was nominally in charge of the case to give evidence as to the whereabouts of my employers assets. A tribunal's request is actually a court order and failure to comply is contempt of court, punishable by imprisonment! In your case that would apply to the listed directors or partners of your employer. (Motivating!)Lo and behold, ten minutes after the court order hit his desk, I had the liquidators lawyers on the phone begging me to release the Partner from attendance in return for all the paperwork I wanted.I very kindly released him once a copy of the DTI report was on my desk.I won 15K.

A quick and I think final update on this. I have just had to sit through a personal attack from my MD in the midst of an open plan office, on the pretext of attacking my work. Singled out again after an otherwise friendly walk around by the MD in question.It has finally dawned on me (from other comments he has made) that this degeneration into degrading treatment over the last 6 months (which has become a misson of personal dislike rather than the previous work related bullying which now feels quite acceptable by comparison) is entirely personal.For the first time in my life I am walking out without a role to go to, for the sake of some remaining dignity and self respect.In case I'm not back in the MC recruitment sector, I wish you all the very very best, and hope to contribute on here again sometime.

Mars - do give me a call if we can help. Plenty of good MC recruitment firms eager to hire at present and I'd be happy to give you personal recommendations of people to speak with.Tony RestellTop-Consultant.com0207 667 6880

Many thanks Tony - I will certainly do so.If anyone wants to contact me directly (for example wants my CV) you can reach me at allsaintNo1@hotmail.co.uk

Mars, Im so sorry to hear of your situation and what it has come to...Im 100% sure something better will come out of this. Please let us know how you get on, best of luck with the future.

Hang in there Mars, won't be long before your talent and experience is recognised and your back posting on this forum albeit for a different employer.If I was in your shoes I'd have done the same.Fare thee well

BTW...forget to suggest this but why not go solo? Seems to me that you have the contacts. I'd let you have my CV if that's any measure of confidence for you