"Welcome to Project SCROTUM" explained the Senior Consultant. "This is one of the firm's most exciting systems integration projects, and our role in this team is to be fully responsible for the comprehensive testing of all new deployments" he boasted. "It's hard work here on this project, but very rewarding; we always have team dinners on Saturday nights and our expenses policy is second to none."[i](now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)[/i]

Project SCROTUM is part of a larger programme being operated by Wakefield and North Kirklees NHS (WA*K - this really exist try googling) and it is the team here to try and pull it off as fast and as cheap as possible to our clients delight.

Rat-a-tat-tat! Suddenly, somebody outside started hammering on the door of meeting room MR6.2. It wasn't entirely clear who was stood outside, but the shadow projected through the frosted glass (emblazened with the company's recently-launched new logo) suggested a portly male of above-average build and height. At the same time, the Senior Consultant's Blackberry started buzzing. Something of a self-proclaimed technological aficionado, the Senior Consultant nonetheless seemed to be 5 years behind the curve in his choice of smartphone.[i](now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)[/i]

The shadow stepped through the door to introduce himself.."Hi, I'm the internal consultant that did the process maps for project SCROTUM. I heard there was a consultant project meeting so thought I'd come along and share my experience. It took me ages to find which room you guys were in. Is that a Blackberry? We aren't allowed mobile phones..."All the heads swivel very slowly to the intruder..[i](now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)[/i]

"... and don't worry that you don't have any internet connection in our office building; I'm sure IT can manage to get you guys up and running by the end of this week. At least if the IT manager has returned from holiday." [i](now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)[/i]

and he continues...'we havent been allowed mobile phones since Steve was kicked off the project. His file says SCROTUM (Removed) but as we value diversity here he was kept on..'(now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)

The Blackberry started making noises again. Except, whereas a few moments prior it had just been the buzz of an email arriving, this time the theme tune to "Top Gear" started playing out. The intruder stood there, towering over the room with the kind of sobering presence and gravitas that only an amalgamation of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rita Fairclough (from Coronation Street) could provide. A corporate man through and through, he was clearly not impressed with the jovial choice of ring tone.[i](now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)[/i]

"What does SCROTUM stand for anyway?" Asked the keen analyst, ignoring the intruder in the room and instead focusing on his iPhone as he mulled the choice of "business park view" or "dual carriageway view" on the Marriott mobile check in app for that evening's stay.He settled on the dual carriageway, knowing the background hum would remind him of fond times in the Northampton Marriott. Setting his expected arrival time to 2330 he turned his attention back to the senior consultant...

The senior consultant was a blonde girl called Senga from Glasgow. She said first thing we are going to do is some team building.She handed out bags to the other team members. On opening the bags each member foundHaddock or salmonWhisky or SherryWhipping cream, carrots, chocolate andPack of condoms(now over to someone else.....)DC

"So", she says, "time to get your thinking hats on and step outside the comfort zone. The task for this little ice breaker...". She chuckled to herself scanning the deathly quiet room. (ICE stood for 'integrated corporate enterprise' - one of her firm's most exciting propositions.) "...is to conceptualize and build what..." She looks at the intruder, an idea spark...sparkling...in her eyes. "...Randy Richards wants! Randy, would you propose an end-product for our little exercise here? Remember all, we can and should be using offshore resources as we would in a real engagement. These can be found in this little bag of plasticine men."[i](how do you spell plasticine???) Over to the next person.[/i]

Randy Richards, ever keen to meet his “People Developer” objectives for the year, stands up and writes on the white board “Offshoring using plasticine men”. Slightly smug he walks to the table to start arranging the men, he glances out the door to see Penelope Powers walking past the room. Randy scurries back towards the white board, grabs the board marker and scrubs at the word “men” furiously. Randy only then realises his error – permanent marker! Penelope, recently promoted to Head of Gender Equality and Diversity is visualising how her new role is absolutely critical for the success of ICE. Sensing something is wrong, she looks through the glass window into the meeting room and turns visibly red at Randy’s message. (on to the next person)

Penelope was one of those people that prided herself on her "people skills". Somehow, no matter what the project brief - whether it be migration of data from a legacy UNIX estate or QA testing on the APIs for the new finance system - she always seemed to end up spending all of her time discussing "people relationships" and "the important of team communication" with the client. Bizarrely, her clients always seemed to love it... right up until, that was, the point where the deadline for having gotten the actual work done had arrived. Her charm and elegance somehow hypnotised clients into thinking that the gritty technical issues were just "being taken care of" somehow, thereby freeing them up to discuss "softer" topics such as people's roles and their assessments of them - when in fact the truth of the situation was never ever like that. "Pen", as she would call herself, would always bail out of the project by the time that point rolled around - leaving the poor sods left in the team to take the flack. She was a project manager's worst nightmare - made even worse by he fact that clients seemed to think she was just great. Wherever she went, she left a trail of disaster - and right now, she had her sights set on Randy's impromptu ICE workshop.[i](now over to someone else to write the next paragraph of this story)[/i]